Let's ruin Iowa's Season

            The weather finally turned on us. It had been giving us warning signs for the past week, but yesterday, she finally turned away and said, 'don't touch me'. So I did what I normally do when I hear that, I went to the office and pretended to work. I pushed papers around, mis-filed files and generally gave myself a headache. I did spend some time looking out the window and watching as the cold, bitter drops of rain began to harden and collectivize on metal surfaces like a liquid auto-workers union. I knew deep down that it would turn to snow, just enough snow to make getting around a chancy proposition, like picking up a stripper with tattoos on her neck.

            The big game is finally here. Not, BIG GAME, like it was back in the day, when Oklahoma would roll into town, tease us for a couple hours before stabbing Huskerfan in the heart and whispering, 'shhhh' as our football blood seeped around the blade known as 'Sooner Magic'. True believers know the perps, Elvis Peacock, J.C. Watts, Buster Rhymes (not the rapper), Jamielle Holieway, Keith Jackson (not the announcer) have all played a part in season-ending tragedy for Nebraska.

            Not even Big Game, like when Colorado was foisted upon us by the Big 12. Yeah, they became rivals, sort of, but that was due to the bloviating of Woody Paige at the Denver Post, more than actual football. He's responsible for the 'N is for knowledge' joke. Colorado was a rival on par with Oklahoma for about 10 years. From 1986-1995, Nebraska went 6-3-1 against the Buffaloes. They had a pious, devout, evangelical Christian, who let his players run amok on campus and pimped out his daughter as a recruiting tool; at least according to various, hear-say accounts you can hear when the clock turns past midnight and the booze flows. We had a pious, devout, Christian, who let his players run amok, too, but he got results, damn it.

            The not rivals played apart as one of the fixed points in football time for Nebraska. In 2001, Nebraska was sitting at 11-0, ranked 2nd in the polls, rolled into Boulder for some light, mop-up duty before getting a re-match with Texas and a shot at Miami for the National Championship. Didn't happen that way. Chris Brown and Bobby Purify  and the Jumbo Formation happened. 62-36 happened. Yeah, Nebraska ended up backing into the National Championship and getting trounced by Miami, but that Colorado game is pointed to, by a lot of people, as being the game where Nebraska lost its Mojo, and it hasn't found it after 14 years.

            Now, the B1G has decided that Iowa is our rival. Ok, sure, I guess. Hawkeye fan likes to bring up the 1981 game, when they won 10-7 as one of their crowning achievements. Ok, big pat on the back for you. Since 1979, Nebraska and Iowa have played 10 times, Nebraska has gone 8-2. Even in the B1G era, Nebraska is 3-1. Iowafan is trolling around, wanting to claim that Memorial Stadium should be re-named 'Kinnick West' and that this is their biggest game, ever, and to be honest, it is.

            That is why I want to take it from them, so badly. Iowa is 11-0 for the first time in school history. Iowafan has already penciled in the victory on their season schedule poster and just knows  that they will beat Michigan State in the B1G championship and knock off Alabama and Clemson and win the National Championship and it will rain skittles and the smell of the pork factory farms will change to that of daisies in spring.

            Slow-down there, little buddy. Before you start making plans based on a pipe dream like a tweaker in the West Des Moines, let's get by Nebraska, first.

            Yep, that 5-6 Nebraska who doesn't belong on the same field as Iowa. Mighty Iowa, who has proven worthy of the ring by beating ranked opponents like Northwestern and, um, er, Northwestern. Yes, they beat Wisconsin, in Wisconsin, 10-6 when Joel Stave played like Joel Stave and fumbled inside the five. It's only against Nebraska that Stave looks like Russell Wilson.

            Yes, that pathetic 5-6 Nebraska, who has been in every game, and has been given the fickle finger of fate cavity search by an overzealous TSA agent. That weak, Nebraska team that is finally healthy, and finally running the ball well. That simpering, craven team that already has one of their five wins being over a better opponent than any of the 11 wins Iowa has.

            I want Nebraska to ruin Iowa's season so badly, I can taste it like leftover cafeteria gravy. I want to see the crowing Hawkeyes brought low and crawling back to the buses with thoughts of 'if only' dancing in their heads like jitterbugging rats. I want 90,000 maniacs, braving the cold and the wind, and the snow to show Iowa what true fan support is. I want the 18 seniors to go forth from Lincoln on a career-ending high note. I want Iowa fan to experience the pain and heartbreak of that 2001 Colorado game, and learn that the path to the National Championship is treacherous.

            One final note, I can't watch it, and won't watch it. I gotta find a movie or something to keep myself occupied.

            Final score, Drew Brown hits a 37-yard field goal, as time expires, 26-24, Nebraska.

            Go Big Red.