It was time for our weekly conference call and suggestions for what to do with our inept tail.
I placed the call to Leroix Ney, down in Red Stick, to get his take on the ranked games in his neck of the woods, which is pretty much the old Confereracy, plus a bit here and there.
"Good Morning, LeRoix," I called out. "How are things down in the swamps?"
"Dey's fine, Cher," he replied in his usual Cajun patois. "Ah s'pose y'alls wantin' me to ac-chally put some effort into pickin' dese games?"
"It would be nice."
"Dey goan take about as much effort as tossin' a marshmallow to a gatah," he chuckled. "Clemson gots tah go up nort', again, and play Mary-land. As long as Tajh Boyd's hip holds out, Clemson should have no prawblem. Dey's goin' up a Mary-land team dat lost to Temple. Ah's goan wit' deh Tigres L'Orange, 38-17."
"How about 'Bama," I asked.
"SEC Players love goin' to play Mississippi, dat way dey get to say dey got to go to Oxford. Deh Tide is goan flow all over dem poor Rebs. It ain't even goan be close. 'Bama should make it about 63-3."
"We're finally at the game you really want to talk about, Leroix, go for it."
I could hear the pfft-pop, of Leroix drag from his hand-rolled cigarette. "Les Tigres have to go up to Tennessee. Deh wust part of deh trip is havin' to look at all dat ugly-ass orange. Dey look lahk old Bronco jerseys dat got left out in deh sun too long. Deh Volunteers play lahk dey been out in deh sun too long. Dis'll be a tougher game dan dey had las' week, but Les Tigres should romp all deh way home. LSU 31-13."
"Thanks, Leroix." I placed a call to Bubba Tataglia, my contact down in Oke City, in order to get his take on all things in the Big 12 and Texas. "How's things down Oklahoma way."
"We got two games that are fixin' to light up the scoreboard so fast the ESPN score alert may shut down from overload. The Cow Rapers of Okie Lite have to go to Austin, enjoy the music, make stops at those awesome food trucks and still score more often than a drunk girl at a frat party. I saw one writer point out the fact that Texas is 8-0 in games after losing to Oklahoma, and then he picked OSU. What the Hell is the point of that stat? Anyhoo, Okie State feels like they gotta score more than the 55 that OU dropped on the Longshoremen. They will, they may give up four or five TD's, but they will get into the 60's. OSU 63-28."
"Tell me about your Sooners, Bubba."
"Same issue, different team. OSU dropped 70 on Kansas. OU feels like they got to exceed that. We'll see if poll position matters more to Stoops than developing players. My bet is on Stoops playing poll position. Sooners 77-10."
"Yo, Marcus, what's happening, out west?" I asked.
"Dude, we've got two easy picks and one interesting game. Boise State gets another tune up game with Colorado State. That should be a 45-14 blue blowout for the Buncos. Stanford has to go to Pullman and play an improved but still weak Wazzu team. Luck should fill up a highlight reel. The California School of Public Policy and Football Relations 38, Cougs 17, dude."
"Tell me about the interesting game."
"Dude, Oregon hosts Arizona State. LaMichael James hurt his elbow last week, and may not be 100%. That might make a bit of a difference. Since the game is in Eugene, I think the Quackers will still pull through. This might be one of the few games Oregon has to play that will be a one-possession win. I'm picking The Quackers 35-28, dude."
I had to place a call to Grandma Gunn, who has been following the B1G for years, especially since the center of the football universe ran through the Ohio Valley. "How's it going, Grandma?" I asked.
"Pretty good, deary," she cackled drily. "Purdue gets to go play victim at my old Boyfriends' Happy Valley Mansion. Penn State may not be flashy, but they get the job done, 24-10 over the Boilmakers. Indiana has to go to Madison. Poor Hosers got 83 dropped on them last year. I think Bielma will want to get some kids who never play into the game, you know, fourth and fifth stringers. That will keep it closer to 70-7. Finally, THE Ohio State has to go to Champagne, if that weren't bad enough, they have to go with a sore Miller at qb, and it looks like Bauserman has lost his back-up job. With Terrell Pryor, they would have had a chance. Illinois has been winning close games. Ohio State looked like they gelled on offense with Miller running the show. I'll do it. I'm going out on a limb and calling for the Buckeyes to upset the Illness, 27-24."
"Interesting call, Grandma. Let's move on over to Lloyd for his two picks."
Lloyd Ellroy, looked up from his iphone. "I have two games this week, both of which will go a long way to figuring out the LegendS division. Northwestern has to go to Iowa. I don't have a firm fix on either team, but the Purple Pussies have had the Hackneys number for the past couple of years. If Persa can get rolling, Northwestern wins this. It will be a close one, 38-35 Pussies. The Big game of the week is Michigan at Michigan State. This is a case of offense strength for Michigan versus defense strength of Sparty. The key to this game is the common opponent. Michigan beat Notre Dame, who owned Michigan State. Give a nudge to Sparty for playing at home, and for winning the last three in a row, but I think Shoelace gives Wolverhampton the overall edge. 24-21 Wolverhampton."
That summed up the picks for the week. The Huskers are off and Lloyd and I need to talk to Preacherman. We have a cunning plan to develop that will uncover who our mystery date is.
Husk-husk and on the QB.
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